The Fro Becomes You

By the way, the Kevmo was STYLIN' in his 'fro last night!
Gettin in touch with his ethnic roots I think was good for him.
Tiring but good.
I'm looking for a breakthrough any day now.

Last Day of October

Time does fly.

While visiting The Wibsite this morning I read a name I hadn't heard so I looked it up and read a blog entry by this guy who quoted Mike Yac. Maybe I should know who Mike Yac is.
But I don't. Someone might fill me in soon, and then I'll add that to this entry.
Meanwhile, he said this:
"According to Jesus and his parable of the seed, the best we can hope for is about 25%."
Mike Yac was referring to youth ministry, and he also said that the 25% is worth it. If you want to read the rest of the article, go HERE.
It's a good article, and a good reminder that it's worth it. Even if one looks at this from a non-Christian standpoint, high school dropouts, kids staying "with the program" as opposed to involvement in drugs or gangs or whatever... It's not just about numbers.

Today I feel about like the crud that grows on top of my coffee if I leave my cup half full in the office over the weekend. -- Just in case you were wonderin.
But emotionally I feel on top of it. Like Ya, this sorta sucks but oh well - there's fun things going on! Wee!

So ya, let's have a weekend already!

Poem

ahem

October
by Robert Frost

Thy leaves have ripened to the fall;
To-morrow's wind, if it be wild,
Should waste them all.
The crows above the forest call;
To-morrow they may form and go.
O hushed October morning mild,
Begin the hours of this day slow,
Make the day seem to us less brief.
Hearts not averse to being beguiled,
Beguile us in the way you know;
Release one leaf at break of day;
At noon release another leaf;
One from our trees, one far away;
Retard the sun with gentle mist;
Enchant the land with amethyst.
For the grapes' sake, if they were all,
Whose leaves already are burnt with frost,
Whose clustered fruit must else be lost--
For the grapes' sake along the wall.

Underwater Underwear Rituals

Today on my way to work I saw a guy pull over and pick up a dead raccoon and put it in the back of his truck. Lovely.

Been feeling like, um... crap. But better today. Mood changes to: Well. Thank God for wellness.

Yesterday I finally got moving in the direction of wedding planning. This one church - I called and got "the gatekeeper" on the phone. Yikes. You'd think I was asking to have a pagan ritual in their sanctuary or something, not a nice little Christian wedding like I'm planning to have. It was a strange experience... I guess that's what it is like for people who don't go to church. Linda says they experienced the same thing a few places. Wow. No wonder people don't like Christians.
Nothing wrong with not wanting too much weird stuff going on in your sanctuary but there are nicer ways of putting that than the way this went. She wasn't really mean - just cold and guarded.

Anyway - in other news, I had a dream last night that my mom and dad and I were driving a car under water. My dad was driving of course. (and alive and well and as usual I thought nothing of this) We saw a big shark. That was cool. Dad drove the car around really fast, following it. We came to the surface and looked around then Dad went back under while I still had the window rolled down. I said "DA-AAD! Ya gotta tell me when you're going under!" I rolled it back up quickly so the car did not completely fill ith water but then I did the thing I do when I'm snorkelling - where it takes me a while to realize I'm safe even though my face is underwater. It's usually a few minutes before I quit panicking and breathe normally. I had my face against the window and was doing that panic breathing thing and realized Oh ya. I'm safe. It's all good. I was suprised how fast Dad could drive underwater and I was a little scared that we would run into stuff but we didn't. After a while I was ready to go back on to shore. I realized at that point I needed to do laundry so I went in to do that and discovered I had LOTS more underwear than I knew I had. Cool stuff too, but some of it was HUGE so I was confused by that. There were some of my friends in this dream too at different points but I can't remember those parts clearly. I remember seeing Pat and Jane and Vicki. I remember lighting a candle and I remember going into a gas station for food.
Ya, so that's about all that's new in my world.

Google Eyes

HAW HAW did you know that I can see you? Well, sort of... I have this tool that lets me see who refers me and if someone did a search on the web and landed at my site. No, I do not spend hours and hours at this... but I am curious from time to time about who's reading my blog and how they get there.
here's the top three phrases people have searched and landed themselves at my site:
Bellybuttons
Haitian Blue
Boob Grabbing (oh my)

Real Live Preacher has written about his experience with this:
Who Googled Me?

Freaked Out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional:

Fine.

Today's entry is brought to you by stream of consciousness.

One time several years ago during a very "interesting" time in my life I came down with something like an inner ear infection. It turned into a chronic problem for a few years. At one time it got so bad that I had vertigo and nausea from it for 5 months straight. But initially, in about 1996, it hit me violently right after a migraine and I was dead dog sick. Couldn't walk, couldn't function, camped out in the bathroom and stayed as still as possible so the world would stop spinning. Misery is a mild term for that set of circumstances.

One day a few years later during another "episode" I was laying there as still as possible (in the hallway of my apartment, actually) and the thought came to me that in reality the floor I was laying on was actually quite still. But my mind - because of what was going on in my little teeny insignificant inner ear parts - perceived the floor to be tilting and whirling and all the rest so my body reacted to that even though it wasn't a physical fact. It was a fact that the room was still but it was also a fact that I was puking my guts out and I could NOT overcome that and function without some miracle or healing. My only choice was to pray and be still and wait. Then it occurred to me that spiritually and emotionally this happens too. I can be standing on a firm foundation but not perceive it that way for whatever reason and so move about in my world and in my relationships as though nothing is solid and no one is dependable and all the universe is in turmoil and upheaval.

Later, during a 5 month period of vertigo and dizziness I also had a really rough year. (1999) I lost my dad, my mom was diagnosed with Melanoma and there were other serious illnesses and deaths in my circle of friends and family. Meanwhile I had this inner ear issue going on and I went through tests and saw doctors and did not ever know what the exact source of the problem was.

The vertigo and nausea was milder than the intense episodes that I had already experienced, so I could function to a certain degree. Emotionally I was able to keep it together for the most part and not appear completely neurotic. I was trying to connect in a church - not very successfully - but taking baby steps. Since hardly anyone really knew me most of them weren't fully aware of the circumstances in my life but I was trying to be real so I would tell people about it and they would hear me but not really get it. Some people avoided me like the plague because they sensed my neediness and wanted nothing to do with it. But most people had no clue. There wasn't much outward evidence of my inner state that was apparent to the untrained eye. They didn't actually observe me puking or falling over or bawling my eyes out so I must be OK, right? One day I got into conversation with a woman at church and mentioned this issue and she said "Oh, I had that for about 5 years once, worse sometimes, better sometimes but always waiting to pounce on you and take you out for a few days." I said "Oh, so you understand!?" She said "Oh yes honey I understand. Once I prayed 'Jesus, if you could calm the sea, surely you can stop this bed from tilting!'" I knew she understood and it was so great to finally have someone relate and know exactly how close to the edge I felt.

This problem seems to have cleared itself up - I rarely experience that degree of illness from that mystery inner ear thing. Occasionally I have trouble with balance but mostly I'm good to go. Emotionally and spiritually it's the same weather report.
Some days I am hearing The Lie. I'm hearing that there's something crumbly in my mind and that I am damaged beyond repair and that there really is nothing solid and steady about what I'm standing on at all. Spiritually I find myself tilting, sliding, puking and dizzy. Back in the howl.

Most days though, I have a louder, kind of "bring it on" thing going, like Neo and his stance in the Matrix. Where he gets back up, shakes off the dust, and signals Mr. Smith his readiness to fight again. It's "Take your best shot, because what makes me Me cannot be destroyed. It cannot be cursed or killed. It is eternal. I will survive and I will, at the appointed time, be perfect, fully redeemed, whole and lovely." There is a sure foundation - and it is not from myself, it is from God and it is God.

Saint Bernard

... had a mental picture the other day and I wanted to record it somewhere so I don't forget it. I read a paragraph that stated something close to this:"emotional dependancy can be a problem for anyone, since we all at some point tend toward drawing our life and worth from another human being. This is especially true when the other person is handy and cooperative."

HA! The Handy and Cooperative part cracked me up, and I got a mental picture of a little girl trying to ride a Saint Bernard. She's innocent and doesn't mean any harm, but the dog is just not into that. He is benevolently UNcooperative, and soon the little girl learns that the Ride The Doggy game isn't going to fly with the dog and she moves on to something else.
So, someone can be handy and UNcooperative too - which in some cases is a gift.

New Socks

I feel hidden. Like I went inside myself and I can't find me. (the parts that writes or thinks much anyway) This doesn't worry me too much - at least not today. If you're reading this - all that means to you is that I have not a lot to say.
But I am wearing new socks today, and that is fun.

Interesting Post

Sonya posted this on This Imploding Heart:

"Timid.
(oi, this is drivel. Why are you putting this up, Mister Lucky Walker? Because of the nature of the post itself, self. I'm trying to be less of a pansy when it comes to saying what I'm actually thinking about as opposed to saying whatever will make a situation most free of conflict. You love conflict! You make conflict all the time! Didn't you once try to convince everone that the apostrophe was a mind control device? Sure, but that's fake conflict. I avoid emotionally dangerous conflict like the plague. And that gives you license to drivel on like a 13 year old? Apparently, yes it does.)


This has been a week of really wanting to dredge up settled poisons and poke sleeping monsters with sticks. I still haven't decided not to (feeling rather brave, I am), but I always worry that I'll be sorry later.

The other worry, though, is that this IS the sorry later. Sorry for not doing it right the first time. Sorry for every midnight phone call that I tried for days to make and didn't. Sorry for every moment that I didn't just say "Hey, it's like this for me, I want to know how it is for you." Sorry for not realizing that what I had to lose was actually already lost, so just go ahead and start talking. Learn all you can. Stop treading water. Swim hard until you sink.

What's nicest about this is that anything that was ever broken has been ground down and shaped into something new and good and pain free. All that remains is an elemental curiosity. A need to talk about things that were left unspoken. A want to apologize, to ask questions, to spit out the backlog of things that were almost said on telephones I never let ring."

Well said........ just how I feel sometimes.
and again........ nothing of my own to say. Just pointing and saying - Ya, what she said.... that's what I'm thinking. Ditto for me.

Marya Morevna's Battleground
----- recommended by The Preacher. Marya started a blog!

ORGANIC

Pat and Meepers and I are going on an ORGANIC, NON-LINEAR trip.

Meaning, we don't have much of a plan. Should be fun.

Went to Meijer today and the greeter said "do you need the bathroom?". It must have been written all over my face that I drove an hour and was full to the eyeballs with coffee.

And then arrived at work and heard someone whistling "the first noel" Merry Christmas already.

Peace. Have a good week and don't miss me too much.

Maine Attraction

Goin to Maine in a couple of days. Cheryl Meryl is going to take care of "the kids" while we're gone. There's Mocha and Hobbes (mine) and Babette (Pat's) who need to be fed and looked after and cleaned up after. So I'm thinkin how great it is to have friends who are willing to clean up the cats' POOP while we go off on vacation.

mood changes to: blessed.

Today's brew: Haitian Blue......... :sigh:

Two events in my life have made conversation more interesting in my life:
1. Buying a house, and
2. Getting engaged.
Suddenlymany people who have previously had not much in common feel it OK to talk volumes about these things and how fun is that?
When I bought my house I found that people who said very little to me in the way of conversation suddenly were very talkative when I brought up the subject of home improvement. There were different connections to be made all of a sudden and I found that to be very interesting and fun.
Now I'm engaged so there's a new group of people who now are excited to talk about marriage and relationships and weddings and want to know all about Kevin and I and want to tell me all about their own story. So I feel like I'm learning things about people I never knew and never would have known.
Today someone I've known for 8 years told me for the first time the story about how he and his wife got married. GREAT story - and I'm thinking, why is it that you never told me that before? But it's different now. And that's a really cool community/connection thing.
I guess it's not just the big things. It was the same with other things as well.
Having an appendectomy
Learning ballroom dancing
Reading Harry Potter
Taking fitness courses
Taking Prozac
Not going to church (in the traditional sense)
I found out how many people in my life also love to salsa. And who thinks that J.K. Rowling is a satanist. And who longs to be buff. Who struggles with depression and/or who thinks prescription drugs to treat such things are evil and bad or good and helpful. And of course not going to church (in the traditional sense) makes for lots of lively conversation as well with my "evangelical" christian friends. But my long rambling point is - even if people don't agree with me or understand me they have something to say that I didn't know they had to say. It helps us know each other better and it's how we connect and it can't be planned. It just happens.

Interesting Piece of art: What would Jesus do if he were getting a tattoo?
No Appointment Necessary

Maintaining the Dank

We talked about house temperatures last night. Heatherlee and Pat and I sitting around the table and I said I'd have to write a piece about "maintaining the dank" in the morning. And now that it's morning I can't think of a thing to say about "maintaining the dank" today. Wanted to Maintain the Prone this morning actually - stay in bed and meditate on how wonderful it is to be horizontally positioned.
but no.
this morning on the drive in I thought about Cheryl Meryl and how I miss smokin with my buddy

smoking...

:sigh:

And anyway - I thought about what Ramblin' man said in his blog -

He was quotingBald Man Blogging:
"driving the speed limit. this small act of slowing down is a symbolic reminder that i must slow down in life. i cannot maintain the breakneck pace of the world around me if i am to hear His whisper and connect in real ways with people. as cars rush by i am reminded that i must live in the world, though i live by a different set of standards. at times i will be pushed by someone riding my tail. at these moments i have a decision to make: will i be a thermometer, reflecting the values, the pace, the life of the world around me? "
Ya ... so I drove a little slower this morning and enjoyed the quiet, which I sometimes do anyway but lately have been listening to loud tunes and keeping with the flow of traffic. So I slowed down.
And I prayed and contemplated, and it was good.
And then I noticed as my prayers trailed off and I was silent that I felt old and tired and slightly sad.
So I ate my scone, drank my coffee, cranked up the tunes and got back in the traffic.
Zoom Zoom!