Sunday, October 19, 2003

Interesting Post

Sonya posted this on This Imploding Heart:

(oi, this is drivel. Why are you putting this up, Mister Lucky Walker? Because of the nature of the post itself, self. I'm trying to be less of a pansy when it comes to saying what I'm actually thinking about as opposed to saying whatever will make a situation most free of conflict. You love conflict! You make conflict all the time! Didn't you once try to convince everone that the apostrophe was a mind control device? Sure, but that's fake conflict. I avoid emotionally dangerous conflict like the plague. And that gives you license to drivel on like a 13 year old? Apparently, yes it does.)

This has been a week of really wanting to dredge up settled poisons and poke sleeping monsters with sticks. I still haven't decided not to (feeling rather brave, I am), but I always worry that I'll be sorry later.

The other worry, though, is that this IS the sorry later. Sorry for not doing it right the first time. Sorry for every midnight phone call that I tried for days to make and didn't. Sorry for every moment that I didn't just say "Hey, it's like this for me, I want to know how it is for you." Sorry for not realizing that what I had to lose was actually already lost, so just go ahead and start talking. Learn all you can. Stop treading water. Swim hard until you sink.

What's nicest about this is that anything that was ever broken has been ground down and shaped into something new and good and pain free. All that remains is an elemental curiosity. A need to talk about things that were left unspoken. A want to apologize, to ask questions, to spit out the backlog of things that were almost said on telephones I never let ring."

Well said........ just how I feel sometimes.
and again........ nothing of my own to say. Just pointing and saying - Ya, what she said.... that's what I'm thinking. Ditto for me.


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