Concrete Restoration

Today I've gotten some quotes on fixing a foundation issue on our house and our sadly crumbling concrete porch. The results were pretty exciting. I found that lots can be done to restore concrete - even when it looks as bad as our front porch and steps. It's cheaper than tearing it out and re building it, that's for sure. The pictures I saw even look a little TOO perfect. I realize a new seal and a complete seal is important or else all the rest of the ancient, crumbly mess will go to pot in no time atall. But I sort of don't want to cover up all the old stuff. I don't want it too look TOO perfect, because that's just not going to fit in with the rest of our house. But there's still more contractors coming to talk to me about this so who knows.

It got me to thinking how bad I think things get. I want to just tear out and re build. But sometimes, some cleaning out, widening of the cracks, filling in with filler, patching, covering, sealing - you'd never know the old mess was there.

This rabbit trail got me thinking also about how I'm not sure I always want my old mess sealed over and hidden completely. Maybe there's safety in that - so the old stuff around all the old obvious damage stays preserved, no one knows how very cracked up I was/am. Everyone gets to see the "fixed up" me - the me that cleans up suprisingly well with a little effort. The me that no one would ever suspect has found herself in the fetal position in the hallway because life was too overwhelming. - Or, sprawled in the hallway after drinking too much. I'd rather rely on my tailored outfit and serene expression to cover up all suspicion of such things ever touching my life. It's much safer that way.

I don't know about you, but I find myself uncomfortable around people who are too polished. I've learned over time that people who present themselves too perfectly often are a touch more neurotic than one might think at first glance. Granted, MOST people are more neurotic once you get to know them. However, based on my experience, some people give off more of that vibe simply by trying too hard NOT to appear a mess.

On the other hand, I'm also uncomfortable around people who don't have the social skills to hide any of their neurosis. Heh. Honestly... It's great to talk about being real and stuff but when some people are REALLY REAL - let's face it - it can be very uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable but slightly jealous of these folks.

Most of us don't want to let it ALL hang out - that's for sure. Ok, well maybe YOU don't have any thing lurking under your surface that might creep other people out. Bless your pointy little head. But for most people I think there's a fine line between being real and coloring so far outside the lines people don't have any clue how to deal with it.

As for me, I'm still working on finding that balance. My geekiness I'm ok with. My woundedness, my occasional freakishness - I'm not ok with letting that hang out very much. Oh, I'm fine to talk about it once I've got things under control. But to invite anyone into that - right in the middle of the crap storm - I don't EVER feel like that's a good idea when I'm in the midst of it. I think most people I know feel the same way. It's dang hard to show our real selves when we've deemed our inner life unacceptable.

But when we look at it from the other perspective it looks a lot different. How often have you wished someone had called you BEFORE things had gotten so bad they couldn't take it anymore? How often have you wished you could have at least prayed for someone if you'd known they were having a hard time? How often could we ALL have talked about things sooner, asked for help or invited people into our freak show? Perhaps we could find healing a little sooner? And how healing it is when we exchange those gifts with friends or family members. When we are in that place with them - to bear witness to their craziness, sadness, grief, weirdness - no one exits such a place unscathed. I think we know that, and I think it's part of why we protect each other and ourselves so much by not letting each other in very far.

It's not easy to be there for each other, but it sure is worth it, and it's truly a healing type of honor to be in that kind of community.

Some of you reading this are a part of my real life community, and you know exactly what I'm talking about here. We're all trying to figure it out together, and that is a blessing.