I don't want no one to squeeze me - they might take away my life

They say never get into a new relationship when you're on the rebound.
Yesterday I went out (on the rebound) and picked up some new flip flops.

Now that it's morning, I have no respect for them whatsoever.

Strike One:  They've embarrassed me in public already, which is simply unacceptable this early in the relationship. 
As I was turning the corner to leave my office, my foot turned on the soles of them, making an incredibly realistic farting sound. Which would be loads of fun except that it crossed the line and went right on into unfunny because the fart sound was just a little TOO realistic sounding for the office.  I had a hard time convincing my co workers that it was the flip flop and not me.
I really don't need any help embarrassing myself. I do a fabulous job of it on my own.

So they've got that not going for them.

Strike Two:  They're noisy and obnoxious.  They FLIP! FLOP! Just a little TOO! LOUD!
 
Strike Three: They're too clingy.  They have elastic in the thong part, which I thought was really cool when we first met but soon realized this caused them to cling too tight and therefore make too much noise.  And even when we're just sitting around they're hugging on me like there's no tomorrow.  It's insane.  I fear I may suffocate if I stay in this relationship. 
 
So that's three strikes...
 
They're OUTTA HERE!