Lucy In The Sky With Puppies

6 days left at this job and what a weird mood I'm in today: nostalgic/introspective/sad/playful/paranoid/excited. [not about work, about life in general - I always get this way with new adjustments]

I want to remember the fun things we did, the way we were so comfortable. To remember how we picked up smooth worn rocks on the beach for hours and went away with our pockets bulging. The way we felt on our first date. The time we raked leaves and then the wind picked up so much our efforts became futile and we found ourselves crumpled in laughter beside our empty leaf bags not even caring anymore that we couldn't finish the job. How you asked for me when your mom died because it was me that you wanted with you. The time we ate bad pizza and got super sick together in my tiny one-bathroomed house. That laugh you have when you're tired and everything is hilarious.

I want to figure out all my crap and a perfect surefire way to straighten it all out.

I want to cry for the way you are abandoned and isolated, to fend for yourself in this world and how your demons keep you there. I want to cry for the things that happened to you that make you duck and defer, asking pardon even for being you. Lovely, amazing you. I want to cry for the tools and blessings that weren't given to you as a child so that now you beat your fists against the chest of God, not knowing how to fight anyone but yourself.

I want to play on the monkeybars and swing on the swings and wrestle and play tag and leapfrog and laugh at each others' hiccups until we pee our pants. Then I want to go inside and drink Orange Crush and play Monopoly until we're bored or hungry. And then I want to watch the absolute most funnest movie we ever did see and then go to bed and crawl in our bunk beds and play with the flashlight shadows and whisper and giggle until one of us falls asleep.

I'm paranoid you don't like me as much as I like you. I'm second guessing and thinking I think too much. I'm scared you might fly away and not come back in the spring. And I'm paranoid that I'm screwing up by overblogging and exposing my insanity.........

I'm looking out over an expanse of tomorrows again, having no clue what is next for a job and feeling like running ahead and getting it all going RIGHT NOW! I'm going to MEET NEW PEOPLE! I'm going to learn new things! I'm going to be walking into a different place every day and not driving an hour to get there. We're going to make improvements to the kitchen and we're going to have a DISHWASHER!!! I get a month off next month to figure it all out! I may just work out 8 days a week and lose 30 pounds and get a black belt in Karate. We're going to vote, and I wonder who will be the next pres. And I'm excited to see who wins and to have all this stupid campaigning over with! It's time to start Christmas shopping and it's time to make pumpkiny things and that's all so very exciting!

And, well.... that's just how I feel today.....