Friday, April 16, 2004

Dare to Dream

Do you ever not know you're scared about something until you're not and then you go "WHEW! That was really freakin scarin me!"

And last night I had a dream that reminded me how afraid I used to be of the dark.
I dreamed I was out and realized while walking that if I didn't hurry up I was going to have to walk home in the dark and that old creepy panic snuck back in and I felt that feeling that I haven't felt in a long long time.

And another thing that has always scared me is water. I can deal with it. I can swim and I like snorkeling and I love being in boats but I am really careful about how and what and where and with whom I am in or around water with. Underneath this layer of control there this completely irrational fear and if I let it, it can completely paralyze me. The other night I dreamed I was needing to swim from one body of land to another. The ocean between was really choppy and I was with my mom. So we started swimming. I remember thinking how scared I was and how I hated that my legs were dangling in this dark water and how I felt that almost out of control panic but not quite so I kept swimming. I knew if I kept pushing I'd get where I needed to go and it would be over. Along came this huge wave and I swam as hard as I could and then I got even more scared so I shut my eyes really tight and swam for all I was worth and suddenly the wave let me down gently on the sand on the other side. Just like that, I felt the soft wet sand on my face and I was out of danger. I was so incredibly relieved!

The way I'm interpreting this dream is that once in a while something takes me by surprise and sets me down gently. Once in a while something I hate so much or am so afraid of turns out to be helpful or even completely harmless. Or someone I thought I needed to have my guard up with turns out to be benevolent instead of dangerous.
Life is just like that I guess.


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