Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Fancy Footwork

Was talking with a friend this morning and she reminded me of me. And I remembered this story:

Once upon a time I had just gone through a thing, and I was telling a friend of mine who had seen me go through this thing about a lot of times already, "I just don't know how this happened!" "I sure didn't MEAN for this to happen" "I sure didn't see THAT coming" "WHY do I keep DOING THIS?!" and blah blah blah...... all that.
She said "You do know how it happened and you maybe didn't exactly MEAN for it to happen but you didn't really mean for it not to happen either. I don't want to keep having this conversation with you for 10 more years so how bout we just cut the crap here." I said "uh........... um....... er........" she said "What is it exactly that you want from me?" I said "uh....... um....... er.........."
She was on to me.

Sometimes we get ourselves so tangled up we can't get out. God loves us anyway and is patient. We can't help it and we can help it and we won't and we could and we couldn't and things aren't always either/or. They are both/and sometimes. I sometimes confess "I was wrong" and I sometimes also feel compelled to add "I am/was so wounded/needy how can anyone blame me" and I beg for understanding. What crazy footwork I do when I don't want to look like a fool when I've done a foolish thing so I play the fool and say I didn't know.....
The other day I fell down the stairs and it hurt pretty bad. I felt really really dumb and frustrated because I WAS being careful and I fell anyway. It was so embarassing also because Pat said "are you OK?" And I said Ya. and then couldn't stop crying so I stayed in the bathroom until I could pretend again that everything was OK.

All this to say that apparently I do still feel the need to act like I have my shit together when I don't.


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